Children’s Book Author Mary Brodsky On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
From Medium.com
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“Make time for hugs and kisses. Such a simple thing but it shows the depth of caring. I remember when my son started middle school and felt he was probably too old for hugs and kisses then. A lot of peer pressure. I could tell he still wanted the closeness so we devised a signal. We would hold our fingers up vertically in the middle of our foreheads when I dropped him off at school. It really meant Butthead, but we knew in our hearts it meant I love you, for us anyway.”
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview children’s book author Mary Brodsky.
Mary Brodsky is a mother, grandmother, wife, and author. This beloved children’s book author is famous for her stories focusing on diverse characters, and stories that are out in the world, spreading a message of kindness, diversity, and sweetness.
Mary Brodsky has written and published ten books to date, each featuring characters from a wide diversity of cultures.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
Myparents were my protectors and my champions. I was one of five children, but I never felt left out… less than… deprived. We didn’t have a lot of money, but that really wasn’t an issue.
Mom was actively involved in all our lives, there was always food on the table, clean sheets on the bed and loving arms whenever we needed them. She didn’t just provide these things, she taught us how to provide them for ourselves. We learned more from her than any schooling we ever received and believe me. She was a strict disciplinarian when it came to schoolwork. She kept us busy, but totally filled with purpose.
Every game became a life lesson and every life lesson a game. I can remember hanging clothes on our old clothesline ( we couldn’t afford a dryer), and somehow, she would make it seem as though we were building the most awesome Fort. Taking the clothes down became a race to see who could do it faster.
I credit my mom for all my organizational skills. With a one-bathroom, three-bedroom house to take care of two adults and five children, (plus my grandfather for dinner most nights) one has to have order!
My father worked full-time but when he was home, we were his world. He taught us to be strong independent people and he did so with a sense of humor as big as the sky.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
When my two children were little, I would read stories to them all the time. I wanted them to feel the wonder of the written word. They loved it. (Partly, I think because it let them avoid bedtime for a little longer.) The funny part was, after a book or two, they always begged… “Now make one up!”
I would make up stories on the spot, making sure to weave in current events they were experiencing.
When I learned I was to be a grandma for the first time, I thought… I need to write down my stories for the grands! Wow, it was light bulb moment, and here I am, six grandchildren later and many stories in print.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
I have been told that children learn at an amazing rate; far faster than we adults could ever imagine. All of that input into their little minds can be overwhelming. They need someone to help them contain it and organize their thoughts.
Gentle hearts, and strong, loving arms can mold a child and teach them how to deal with this rush of information. Left on their own, without guidance, chaos reigns. Worry and stress, yes, even in small kiddos, sets in. They start acting out with tears or yells, throwing tantrums, etc.
Being a bear of little brain, I have not studied child psychology. (Gotta love Winnie the Pooh!) I have learned, however, through practice and experience with my own children, that boundaries actually provide a loving environment that fosters growth. Boundaries and clear rules of behavior help children feel safe. The trust they put in us as their family, grows.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
Whew, that’s a hard question but I would have to say yes, in some cases. Technology has grown in such great leaps and bounds in a relatively short time. We are all consumed with trying to catch up with it. Therefore, we are distracted. More often than not, we end up putting technology in front of our children just so we can catch up with life.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a restaurant, and the children are on their iPads through the entire meal. There is no communication, no family time, no love connection happening whatsoever. We used to play board games with each other and enjoyed lots of laughter. Now, kids play games on their iPads in isolation.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
1. Sit down together for meals. Mealtime was my favorite time of the day growing up. The whole family would be there. We laughed and talked about everything. My dad would play games with us at the dinner table. An example of one of my favorites was when he would all of a sudden tell us to close our eyes. He then would ask an observation question like… What color shirt is grandpa wearing? You would be surprised at the answers that came out of our mouths. Another time he might say, “Tell me how many “A” states there are, and name them.” We had no idea we were learning; we just were having fun seeing the sparkle in his eyes when we got it right. Actually, when we got it wrong, someone would chime in with the correct answer to help us out. Wa-la!; teamwork being taught. We learned to rely on each other.
2. Make games out of chores and yes, give chores. My mom would have one kid cleaning the bathroom, one kid doing dishes, and a third one dusting the living room. We would set a timer and see who could be finished the fastest. My Dad used to hide nickels under the leaves in the front yard. Big magnolia leaves. We cleaned that yard up so fast searching for those nickels! Then he would encourage us to share what we found.
3. Limit iPad, computer, and phone time. Those are virtual friends. Encourage them to have real life, three-dimensional friends and send them outside to get some exercise and learn to communicate in the real world.
4. Respect their opinion. Actually, schedule in discussion times for homework expectations, vacation dreams, and even perhaps what they’d like to have for a meal? I swear we invented the hot dogs in the Mac n cheese!
5. Make time for hugs and kisses. Such a simple thing but it shows the depth of caring. I remember when my son started middle school and felt he was probably too old for hugs and kisses then. A lot of peer pressure. I could tell he still wanted the closeness so we devised a signal. We would hold our fingers up vertically in the middle of our foreheads when I dropped him off at school. It really meant Butthead, but we knew in our hearts it meant I love you, for us anyway.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
A good parent is simply someone who loves their children and never stops trying. Every child is like a snowflake, so it’s sometimes a guessing game to see what will work with your particular snowflake. Love them, discipline them, respect them. What you give you will receive in return.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
When my children were growing up, I made a habit of telling them that they could be anything they wanted to be. They just needed to believe and then work toward that goal. If it wasn’t worth working toward, find another dream.
I remember my son‘s big dream of wanting to become an FBI man. At age 16 he received the opportunity to go to Quantico. There his dream was crushed when he realized physically that he would not be able to realize that dream. I asked him, “If you are not able to make that happen, what else have you dreamed about?” I told him to visualize doors in the hallway.
When one of those doors won’t open for you, choose another. He chose becoming a teacher and fulfilled that dream, but that is not the end of his story. He taught for a year and realized he had not really worked toward his original dream.
The next year he worked hard on getting himself physically able. He ended up attending the police Academy, and now is a sergeant for LAPD having served over 15 years already. This is close enough to his original big dream that he is very happy.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Success. That’s actually a hard question to answer. Remember, I said that every child is like a snowflake, no two the same. Success for one might not look the same as it would for another one.
Knowing your children are happy and can provide for themselves is probably the general standard of success. Knowing that when you are gone, they can carry on is the goal. That they can carry-on with love and respect in their hearts for others and a sense of well-being in this turbulent world…means you have been successful I think.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
Well… being that I am extremely technology impaired and… my children could probably teach me more than I could them, so this is a tough question to answer. I think I would advise them to do everything with caution and extreme care. Protect your privacy and the ones you love by filtering what you put out there.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
Early in my chosen career raising my children, I discovered a book that says it all. Well, two books really. One, for me the obvious choice, the Bible. The Bible has so many well-defined foundations for raising a successful child. Seriously, I don’t know how people do it without the thousands of guidelines available in one beautifully written collaboration.
The second one is also beautifully written. It is called, “Where the Sidewalk Ends,” by Shel Silverstein. Actually, it is a collection of poems. Not only are the poems dreamily amazing, it speaks to kids of all ages. My kids and I lost ourselves in the possibility’s presented to us through his uniquely written wonder over and over again.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
As we have said, life is chaotic. It is confusing, confounding, perplexing, and exhausting. Don’t you just love the English language? All those words mean the same thing to me. When I find I can handle it no longer ,I simply say, “Be Still and know that He is God.” He’s got this. This quote comes from Psalm 46, verse 10 in the Bible. You don’t have to be particularly religious for this quote to work for you. Just being still helps calm the chaos. Knowing there is a God out there that will get you through it all has huge bonus points for me.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
My movement would be one of Inspiring Respect! I really feel this is a lost art. If we stopped for a minute and really listened to each other… wow.
Understanding, empathy, knowledge. Just imagine what we might gain.
Everyone is so much inside their own head that they have forgotten we are not alone in this world. Our minds can open up and we find, understanding instead of confusion… empathy instead of selfishness…knowledge instead of fear and hatred. The possibilities are endless.
Always and Forever, Mary
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!